Yes, the cape is important. The missing eye is the perfect reminder of your brutal past, and your starship is the bane of the galaxy. But there’s one thing that really makes (or breaks!) your image, and that’s your lair.
The perfect lair won’t fall into your lap. It requires a vision, careful planning, and exquisite maintenance.
This is where you house your army, where you retreat when the wretched hero finally listens to his mentor, and someday where you’ll wait triumphantly as your henchmen force that young upstart to his knees.
To start with, know what you want and what you need. Does a ruined castle make the most sense? Or a partially submerged cave system? The size of your entourage is an important factor; will you need an entire floating city or would a hut in a swamp suffice? Don’t be afraid to get creative! Your lair is a representation of your villainous status, and that will look different for everyone. If crushing towns in a giant, mobile robot is your thing, go for it; if you feel a special affinity for lava, a volcano might be the place for you!
Once you have an idea of your ideal lair, it’s time for the next step: construction. We here at Villain Tips believe we have perfected the lair construction strategy, although be aware that some find it swingeing and overly cautious (if that’s even possible? But that’s another Tip…). First, we strongly suggest you find a top-quality architect who is relatively young and in good health. Remove him (and his immediate family, if you deem it necessary) to your chosen location and have him begin work at once, even if you don’t feel ready for your lair phase yet. Have him work in complete secrecy and solitude, interacting only with such minions of yours that he may need for the actual erection of the lair. Don’t worry if this slightly deranges him over the years; often a non compos designer is a creative one, and you want all the dead ends and walkways over chasms you can get.
Take the time to get to know your lair! You should know how to operate traps and open hidden doors without looking, and it is imperative that you be able to move quickly to your emergency transportation (see Villain Tips: Escaping) from anywhere in the lair. We recommend doing at least one walk-through with the architect and the blueprint. This is also a good time to set up any entrances, traps, etc. that only you can control (whether by retina scan, the key that always hangs around your neck, or a loyal and animate statue). Other necessities include the Pet pit, treasure room, barracks (or equivalent) for your minions, and some personal rooms that should be very (very!) out of the way. (Trust us: once the useless friend starts going through your socks it’s all over for your reputation.)
Once you know your lair like your own backstory, kill the architect and destroy the blueprint. If he has children who have not yet left home, consider killing them also. It is vital that the construction of your lair remain completely secret from everyone until after you are firmly established. Remember, lairs don’t have Grand Openings, only grand closures!
One last warning: a common mistake is to build surplus secret entrances and exits. They’re useful, fun, and an easy way to show off your creativity, but too many make it more likely for the hero to find a back way in. Safety first…but absolutely add your villainous flair to your lair!